Well where has time gone? I still think we are is total shock that Kaden is gone....shock or is it that we don't wanna accept that we are no longer able to hold, cuddle, kiss, dress, bath, feed and the list goes on and on and on......I have not touched a single thing in his room. Everything is as I left it the day I took him to emerg for the last time. I thought the other day that Id be able to unpack the last bag I packed for him to head to the hospital....well....first I pulled out his med/feed schedule and then there it was....his last pair of sleepers he ever wore...well that ended that I quickly folded them up and placed them back in the bag and slid the bag under the highchair. There it sits and there I sit wondering when and if and how I'm going to be able to unpack that bag.....I cant wash his clothes that are in the hamper or even throw out the syringe that lays on his crib.....all things that in time. I'm sure ill be able to do it but I'm nowhere near ready to deal with that......some people may think 'whats the big deal?' but all I have to say to that is if you haven't been there you really have no idea......losing a child is something u cant even begin to understand unless you've been there.....and its bad enough that we have had to watch other people with their healthy children doing their thing and feeling like I'm in some weird club that I'm the only member to but now we have to be apart of this new group of 'losing a child'.....how unfair is life really? I guess really unfair as Paul and I are living proof of that.....
Elle is doing much better ....she has battled her fair share of illness in the last 6 months or more. She just got out of hospital a week ago and is doing great so far....unfortunately I had to take her into emerg on the anniversary of Kadens death so dealing with that and being in the same room in emerg as Kaden was that last time and having nurses and doctors saying their condolences cause they had just heard was very hard. Thankfully one of the docs that had been taking care of Kaden in some of his last days was on so she was so kind as to speed us through without all the questions that are normally answered......i am soooo grateful to her for that....so so grateful.....so anyways Elle is doing great...smiling, off oxygen and so insanely cute that I just wanna kiss her all day....and sometime I do because I need to enjoy every moment I have with her cause life is just so uncertain.
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2 comments:
although we have never met, I wanted to extend my heartfelt sympathy and hugs to you and Paul. What you feel and where you are right now is ok, and you are absolutely correct when you state that until you've been there you don't know. I cannot even begin to imagine. My son goes to school with Elle, (she was part of his class for the last two years) and he was just saying the other day that he hasn't seen her at all--I will be sure to let him know that she is doing well and helping her mommy to smile just a little bit.
Hoping that you have a strong support system around you to give you the strength that you need now and in the future....
be well....hugs ((((((((0)))))))
Lisa :)
I know how you feel Candace, it's hard losing a child. You miss the smiles, the smell of their hair when washed and the list goes on. Believe me, I still have days and its been 2 years now that I sit and cry and think of her. Tarynn is always in my heart and the memories and photos are my only comfort now. I can't say that time heals all wounds but I can say that I smile more now just thinking of her up in heaven watching over us.
Take care
Lori Jenner
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